Wax OR Shave

Okay this was too funny...had to post to the blog. I figured there'd be a lot of ladies who would read this then node...yep...the pain we suffer for a male dominated world. Humph!
Wax or Shave.....

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner;
played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the
medicine cabinet?"

So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold
wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your
leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off! No muss, no fuss. How hard
can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but am mechanically inclined enough
that I can figure it out.


So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each together,
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase
haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight
and pull.

OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!!
Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!! bsp;

With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak
back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the
bikini line, covering the right half of my 'you know what' and stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale
deeply and brace myself....


I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH DEAR GOD !!!!!!!!!!! Im making
noises that only dogs can hear ..

Vision slowly returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of
the strip. S**T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly
and spotted . I cannot breath or speak - I have forgotten how .. Do I hear
crashing drums?????

Wait a few minutes and I'm back to normal (nearly) After all this I want to
see my trophy !!! - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused
me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it!

Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still
perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I ! run my fingers over the most
sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . .

Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do
something, so I put my foot down.

DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.

Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the
bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't
let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should
melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??


I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than then that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the
only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
water!! (Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax)

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what
convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend,
thinking surely she's waxed before and has come secret of how to get me
undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are
stuck to the bottom of the tub!

There is a slight pause.

She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.

"Are we talking buttock cheek or is it covering - you know - "Everywhere"
(cringe factor 20000 at this point) ?" She's laughing out loud by now... I
can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on
the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! I should be the 'butt' of someone
else's work-night jokes.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with
a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry
shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me and my hand
reaches towards the saving grace...

The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY
GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my
friend, but I really don't care!!

"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to
my grief and despair...


So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.


1 comment:

  1. OMG,, I am home sick with a bronchial something or other,,, have seen your vids on Youtube,, and decided to check your blog. After reading your waxing post,, I think I should thank you! I laughed and coughed so damn much that hunks of disgustingness have come up, making me feel so much better :) I love your vids, debating on buying combs now (want carders first)but simply love what you've gotten out there. It helps so much to see whats being done in action. I've an Ashford Joy, and just got a Lendrum not even 2 weeks ago and I've been doing the DIY type of stuff. Again wanted to comment love what your doing!

    PS concerning waxing,,,, its no contest,,, I go someplace and have it done,,, its torture enough but at least all I have to do is literally grin and bear it!


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