As Fall come this soon?!

The temperatures and weather is very reminiscent of fall...which is still a good month away...according to the calendars. Not to say I am not enjoying the cooler nights which I sleep so well in, but I am concerned as my tomatoes are just now starting to form. They were late to bloom for some reason. The yellow jackets in the rock wall are super busy and that leads me to believe we will have an early Fall.

I am almost done with the package to send to my fiber frenzy pal. I just need to get out and harvest some golden rod to send along for her to try and dye with. I think I will send the Sumac and Elderberries as well, if only to get them out of the freezer! I do not have patience to use natural dyes. I don't like to wait around for the results...or for no results.

Mom called and said she should be getting some inheritance money to travel up to see me with soon. She is so excited and so am I. The BF however is not. Party pooper. Mom has said she doesn't like him, but I have told her tough shit, he's here to stay so get used to him. Mothers.

He doesn't get excited much for anything really...not from what I can tell anymore. He is so distant. You'd think after almost 10 years together that he would be more open to me...yeah...right. I dunno what is going on but I suspect something is. It just seems suspicious to me that he does not want me to tag along to the nights he says he goes to the club. He says it is because I want to come home earlier than he would like to leave (which would be bar-time, 2AM), but you think the man could sacrifice a bit of time for me?! No. Humph. I FINALLY got us some renters insurance. The man has been draggin his feet about getting it for years as I have been nagging about it for years. So now I am paying for it. You'd think he ought to help with it, seeing how most of the apartment junk is his. Always claiming not to have the money, yet he always seems to have enough to buy leather goods for himself. I suppose spending on yourself is not a bad thing, I do it all the time (and I hide most of it because I don't want to make him feel bad) I dunno why I feel that way about his spendings. If he would just be more open to me I would not be so supicious of him. He can't give a straight answer to save his life. I ask questions, I TRY to be involved in his life but it has become more and more evident that he does not want me to be apart of his life more than I already am. I am more like a friend with benifits and that angers me. What happened to the love?! What happen to the coo'ing man I fell in love with so long ago? The one that whispered how much he loved me when he thought I was alseep. Has that dissolved? The one that used to send me love notes....I miss those days.

It makes one ponder that maybe he loves another. I dunno. If he would just communicate I am sure we could fix whatever bothers him. He says I have anger issues. Yes, I do, and that will not change. When I get frustrated, I get angry, and I have absolutely NO support and NO way to express my frustrations without having him walk off not wanting any part of it. Well hell! No wonder I have anger issues!! I have no emotional support!!! See, now I am angry again...spilling it all into my blog because no one else gives a flying shit. *siiiiiiiigh* Well, that is not true, Mom gives a shit but she is 400 miles away and at times she is frustrating because she sometimes does other things while we are on the phone, and I can tell, because she does not pay attention -OR- she it is because she forgets things that I have told her before.

Sometimes I wonder if he is jealous of my achievements? I love karate and I am very proud of my progress as it is something I have always wanted to do but never thought I would be able to; and I display it on a wall (certificates of completion, belts, awards, etc)...but I don't do it to shove it in his face. I do it to remind me of what I have done and what I am capable of doing because I don't have that kind of support for myself so I have to provide it. He seems to be interested in my karate progress, which is great, but I think deep inside he feels jealous. I tried to get him to join as well. There are three couples that go to class on a regular basis, but he was not interested. I think it would do him some good. It would help with his growing tummy (cute little buddah bellay!) and I think it would give him some sorely needed confidence in life. He has taken fencing, and he has shown off his skills to me (which is fun...I only wish we would horse around like that more often) but for some reason he does not want to take it. I think he thinks he cannot afford it. Well, if I can afford it, so can he!

I am like a little kid in a grown-ups body. I just wanna have fun. If it ain't fun, I want no part of it. I like the internet, but I don't want to be obsorbed in it all the time. You'd think he would have figured this out by now!!

Ohhhh blahhhhh-blahhhh-blahhhhh! Same 'ol shit...just a different day. *groan*

Until next time...

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